5 Year Milestone!

Today, marks the first day of the rest of my life - I officially end my 5 year post-cancer treatment!  No daily pills to swallow, no more painful monthly injections, and chemotherapy is becoming a distant memory.  Today my external sun shines more brightly than ever - I have fought a long hard battle and I emerge victorious and transformed.  I am forever grateful; grateful for second chances, grateful for health, grateful for my friends, grateful for my family - grateful for my life.


My parents who put their wonderful retirement lives on hold to come live with us for 7 months in a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom house.  They took care of the house, cooked meals, did housework, and watched Jayden so we could concentrate on doctor appointments, tests, and treatment.  We were so grateful to have them.  We could never have gotten through it without them.  They showed us what the true meaning of family really was.  We will forever be indebted to them.  

My cousin Jeff, who provided constant love and support.  Coming to visit, flying from the other side of the world not once but twice during my treatment.  He rallied behind me and never had any doubt that I would get through it.  Jeff was there when I needed him most.  I will always love him like a brother. 

My girlfriends from Canada (Joanna, Wendy, Shannon) - who sent the touching care package; with letters, words of encouragement, cards, artwork, gifts, home made cookies, and my most cherished necklace.  They reminded me how loved I was, what I was fighting for and most importantly to never, never, never give up.

My extended family - who checked in constantly and those who sent money to help out with the cost of treatment (not necessary but truly appreciated).  I know it was difficult for them being so far away but they were never far from our hearts.

Our friends, Adam and Erin, who always knew what to say or not what to say.  One of the few friends we felt we could truly be ourselves around.  Very special thanks to Erin, when she heard that I had my mastectomy surgery scheduled for Halloween and that I would miss my son's first trick-or-treating.  She arranged for Halloween to come early for us by asking their neighbors (none of them who knew us) to host a private Halloween trick-or-treating just for us.  That night will always be one of our most memorable.  Not only were we able experience Jayden's first trick-or-treating but we were also able to leave behind our burdens.  That night, we forgot about cancer and just enjoyed ourselves as a family.  We were so touched by this gesture, such a testament to what great friends they are.       

My whole team of support at Stanford Hospital and especially my oncologist, Ellie (Dr.G), who fought along side of me - my savior.  Who we will always regard not only as a friend but as family. 

The little boy at St.Jude's that lost his battle to cancer.  His story touched me and changed my life.  A little boy, (only a little older than Jay at the time) was battling brain cancer.  His parents prayed for chemo-therapy (where I ungratefully disdained it).  His parents were grateful for chemotherapy because it bought them more time from the inevitable.  He was such a brave little boy, who could still find the beauty of life and brought happiness and light to those around him.  Apparently the little boy passed away 6 months after they filmed the program.  Both Chris and I cried so hard.  If this little boy could endure his ordeal with such peacefulness and grace, I must be able to find the strength to endure my last round of chemo.  This program couldn't have come at a better time.  I was beaten down, ready to give up.  This boy's story gave me new resolve to fight and to appreciate everyday.

My cancer sister, Fei-Fei.  We met at the clinic, surrounded by patients our mother's age, we being young, were drawn to each other.  We were both Chinese, born in the same year one month apart, she had a daughter the same age as Jayden.  She was so sweet and kind.  We would meet up at the hospital if we had clinic on the same days.  She gave me a bear and a card to celebrate my last session of chemotherapy.  It was nice to know someone going through something similar with similar backgrounds.  She passed away November 2010.  I cry for her daughter without a mother.  It will be a constant reminder to hug my Jayden extra tight.  Fei-Fei, I will miss you my friend.
 

My Jayden - my reason for existing.  My little man, who has always been empathetic and understanding beyond his years.  Mama will always remember the times when I cried and you would point to my tears and say,  "Oh no!".  Then you would grab tissues and gently dab the tears from my eyes.  I remember reading a children's book to you about another mommy that had cancer.  When I read the part where the mommy lost all her hair, you stroked my bald head and padded my back and I was so comforted by you.  It broke my heart when I had to stop breastfeeding due to my illness.  You would whimper yourself asleep, cuddled in tightly next to me.  And although you missed it so much, you understood and never asked for it.  Even at the age of 2, you understood that even though mama was always sleeping or at the hospital, she still loved you very much.  You never made a fuss and always understood when I was gone or just in need of rest.  I am so grateful to have you in my life.  Thank you for taking care of mama.  As you already know, "you are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey...". Mama loves you infinity.  

My best friend, my husband:
Thanks to you, I was never alone in my battle.  You were always there beside me, both physically and emotionally.  You too, battled cancer.  I will forever be grateful to you; the one who dragged my unconscious body to and from the hospital for infusions and hydration, the man that became an expert on breast cancer (and had all the physicians and nurses questioning if he was a doctor himself).  Much of my memory of these dark days are fuzzy, however, looking in your eyes, I know that you remember every moment vividly.  I know that my illness was hardest on you.  I know that this was a pain that you wish so badly you could take away.  My dear husband, I want you to know you were superman; working full time while taking care of me, still being the most amazing father to Jayden, and a loving son-in-law to my parents.  You were the glue that held it all together.  Thank you for always being supportive.  Even during the times when I told you that I wanted to give up and quit treatment.  You never pressured me or pushed me.  You never said the words, "you have to".  You would always looked into my eyes with understanding and said, "OK".  It was this love and support that gave me strength to drag myself in for the next round.  You were my strength on the days I felt weak.  I will never forget the image of you sitting by my bedside in the dark hospital room (because the lights bothered my eyes).  Every once in a while I would rouse out of unconsciousness just enough to be comforted by sight of your face, illuminated only by the glow of your laptop while you worked in complete silence and darkness for upwards of 12 hours in my tiny hospital room.  Thinking of this always brings me to tears - you have shown me what love truly is and this will forever bond me to you.  I love you.

 Moments before my first chemotherapy infusion

Ignorantly optimistic, I thought that perhaps I would be one of the lucky ones to keep my hair.  On the morning of week 2 (after my first chemo session), it became painfully apparent that I would not be special and that I too, would lose my hair.  I woke up with a funny feeling in my scalp (like goosebumps).  I remember running my fingers through my hair and pulling out a handful.  As the day progressed, the feeling in my scalp became more and more painful.  It got difficult to even move my head, just the weight of the hair shifting was agony.  By night fall, I was ready to shave it all off.  Luckily, I had my whole family there for support (Chris, Jayden, Mom, Dad, and Jeff).     

Cancer Warrior Hairstyle:

 

That was then.  Looking back, it has been quite a journey.  Thank you for everyone who were there for us - today I can officially say, we fought cancer and we won!  No more treatment - I am a free!  This is the first day of the rest of my life!